Man up

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Hi there, fellow wanderlust! Have you ever wanted something so bad you pushed yourself through some pretty difficult fears to get there? I pretty much live in that space. I could so easily sit home and never leave and be comfortable all the time. It takes a lot for me to get out and do new things and meet new people. Over the years, it has gotten a little easier, but I still wrestle that anxiety and nerves when I branch out to do something new. I have found the reward is always worth the little bit of anxiety at first. Scuba diving was one of those experiences. If you read the first post, you know that my first time scuba diving was one of the scariest things I have ever done, but man, am I glad I did it. When I decided to go through certification, I battled those same panicky, anxiety ridden thoughts and feelings.

The first day of training was easy, albeit slightly embarrassing. The second day was most of the skills tests jammed into one day. Talk about exhausting. I didn’t know what to wear, so I wore my bikini again but decided to leave a tank top on over top of it. I didn’t want to wear my wetsuit and be too hot because the day before I was sweating from the swim tests. Any of you that dive are probably shaking your heads right now because you know how much of a mistake this was, yet again. I felt entirely out of place with this group, the majority of the people were military or ex military, and most of them seemed to have a basic idea of what they needed to do.

We got in the pool and stood in the shallow end waiting for instruction.

First skill. Breathe under water. Sounds simple. But just like the time I went diving on vacation in Kauai, I begin to panic. There was no time for panicking. Before I realized it, everyone else had the regulators in their mouths and were descending no problem. I thought, now or never, you’ve already paid for this. All I needed to do was drop to my knees and continue breathing as normal. After a few breaths, I calmed myself down and got my breathing back to normal. Even though I was in a pool, I remembered how cool this whole thing was and how excited I was to be doing it.

About halfway through the night I was freezing and exhausted! We were still on the shallow end of the pool doing the basic skills. The instructors had us all come above water to take a short break before moving to the more complex skills in the deep end of the pool.

We were all standing there and James (one of the classmates) says “I’m freezing!”
Dan says in response, “You’re freezing? Court’s down here in a bikini, not complaining!”
So me, not missing an opportunity like this, said, “Yeah seriously! Man up over there!”
The entire class starts cracking up and saying “OOO she told you,” and “yeah, man up!”
Hence, the rest of the week long class you would hear someone randomly yell out “man up!” If anyone was complaining. I hadn’t intended for it to be comic relief for the rest of the course, but I’m so glad it was. There were definitely times I needed a good laugh to relieve some of my stress, anxiety and fear over what I was doing.

But this post isn’t about that one comment, it’s about how I overcame a truly terrifying course for me, to be able to do something I absolutely love. After our short break (in which I promptly put on my wetsuit! Thank you warmth!) we all got back into the pool, this time on the deep end. They told us to descend to the bottom and watch them demonstrate the next skill we would be doing. Now at this point I guess I should explain, the instructors would tell us above water what skill we were doing, then demonstrate it underwater, and we would repeat it with our buddies. My poor buddy was a trooper. Let’s call him Andy. Half the time, I couldn’t remember what we were supposed to be doing, they were moving so fast through the skills. We managed to get through it all though. When it was my turn to remove, replace and clear my mask (the absolute worst!) I completely panicked. I had that same paralyzing fear I had experienced on the boat over in Kauai so many months before. I couldn’t move. I just grabbed onto Dan’s wrist for a minute and told myself, you can do this. Just take it off and put it back on. You know how to clear it once you get it back on. After what felt like an eternity, I finally took my mask off. Not letting go of Dan’s wrist, I held my mask in the other hand and left it off for the minute required (are we sure it was only a minute Dan?). When he tapped my shoulder to let me know I could put it back on, I finally let go of his wrist, managed to get my mask back on and clear it. However, I was choking. Straight up choking. I had inhaled through my uncovered nose and was breathing in water. Thankful for my online course training that told me I could cough into my regulator, that’s what I began doing. I thought I was going to have to go back up to the top, but managed to stop choking and return to normal breathing fairly quickly. Still not letting go of Dan’s wrist, he gave me the OK sign with a mild concerned look. It took me a second to remember I needed to give the all OK sign back to him. When I finally did he smiled and gave me a fist bump and moved on to the next person.

The rest of that night is a blur of mild panic, inner monologue of self reassuring myself and reminding myself why I was doing this. We went though all but a few of the skills we needed in that one night. It usually takes two nights. When I say they were going fast, they were going really fast. They pushed us through it so we could have more time and get to our open water dives faster.

I remember calling my mom that night and crying. I did not know if I could do this. I was exhausted, mentally and physically drained from being up and down, in and out of water for 5 hours. I left that night not sure if I was going back the next day. I felt so confused on all my skills. They passed me, but I didn’t even know if I was doing them right. As I’m telling my mom this all, from 5000 miles away (sorry mom for all those calls…) I felt defeated. I felt like I couldn’t do this. Who was I kidding? I am not this adventurous. I am not this fearless (not to mention, I am TERRIFIED of sharks—that kid that thought a shark was going to randomly show up in the deep end of the pool, terrified— and I’m about to go into their territory in a few days, willingly. What?!). What am I doing? Why am I here?

I don’t honestly remember much of what my mom said to me that night. But I went to bed when I got home and crashed. I woke up the next morning with all those questions and fears pouring down on me, so I got up and went for a run. On my run I was reminded of the beauty all around me. I was in Hawaii. I was running around Pearl Harbor. I broke down. I sobbed. Being in that place, it’s hard not to be humbled by all the history and beauty around you. I went and sat at some tables and chairs looking out at the harbor and the mountains. I walked myself through all the reasons I wanted to be certified. I realized the only person telling me I wasn’t adventurous enough was me. I had left my life on the east coast behind for two months to go to hawaii where I knew very few people, how is that not adventurous? I was the only one telling me I couldn’t do this. My mom told me I could do it. Dan told me he knew I could do it. Andy told me I could do it. The whole class would tell me to “man up” if they knew I was having these thoughts. So why was I allowing fear to keep me from doing something I KNOW I love once I get through this necessary certification process? I realized in that moment that I was the only one in my way. I had a choice, to let fear rule my life or to man up, face it and get to the other side to be able to experience under water life all around the world. I chose the second option. Wouldn’t you?

Ps.  I did see a shark that week, and it was awesome!

Until next time, keep traveling wanderlust.