Let it burn.

Hi there fellow wanderlust.

Last night I posted a short post. A few of you were able to see it before I took it down. I am going to shed a little more light on what I only touched upon last night. That post came from a place of anger, which is why I took it down. But I feel that what I had to say was valid. So here goes, for a second attempt with a little more reflection.

I have been trying for two weeks to write the perfect post. Then I remembered I had promised to be raw and real. So here goes.

I had a long conversation with my brother tonight. We talked about right, wrong, loss, love, life, family, the list goes on. The resonating fact was you get to chose. You get to chose when enough is enough. You are the only on in your way. You are the only one allowing your life to continue the way it is going. The only thing stopping you from moving forward is yourself. So what’s stopping you? What excuse? What reason have you put in your way?

Tonight I found a lot of “apology” letters from an ex. I put “apology” in quotes because this mans idea of an apology was to excuse his behavior. These apologies made me so angry. I felt more blamed for everything he chose to do than anything else. This relationship was toxic at its core. I kept these letters for over a year to remind myself of just how sick our mental state with each other was. I kept them to remind me of how vulnerable and easily manipulated I was in that time. I kept them as a warning, to not go back there. That was not love. That was not a healthy way to live. So tonight, when I found those letters, I wanted nothing more than to burn them. It has been over a year. I have spent countless hours this year working on myself and improving myself and my mental health. It was time to let it all go. To let the past burn.

I am a big fan of symbology in my life. So, I grabbed an old mason jar and threw the letters inside it. Lit a match and dropped it in. All the paper and smoke promptly put out the flame. Seriously? Not being discourage, I lit another match and this time made sure to light the paper on fire a little before dropping it in the jar. It again promptly smothered itself out. You have got to be kidding me. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony. This relationship had been so long, and so stubborn, of course burning these letters would be just as stubborn. However, this time around I had my brother there to lean on for support. While I was in the relationship I had secluded myself from my family, they just didn’t understand. Lucky for me, I have a pretty amazing family that NEVER stops fighting for each other. And in my most desperate hour of need they ALL came to my aid. They had been sitting on the sidelines, just waiting for me to reach out for their help. My brother, seeing that the letters weren’t burning, went and got a bowl for me to put them in. This time, the letters ignited and burned. Moral of the story? It’s ok to need people in your life. It’s ok to struggle and need help pulling yourself out of whatever life has thrown at you. Don’t forget the ones that love you are always ready and waiting to help you. The feeling I had watching those letters burn, along with my replies that he never read, was freeing. I am finally ready to move forward. Ready to love myself, and rediscover who I am.

Until next time, happy traveling wanderlust!